An open letter to myself… At 16
Today marks ten years to the day that I found out my father committed suicide. I was 16 and would be just getting home from school right about now. Today marks ten years to the day that everything I knew to be true was shattered.
I thought long and hard about actually posting this, and almost didn’t, because it is intensely personal. But upon reflection, I realized that if I so needed to hear from someone ten years ago what I am about to say, then there might be someone out there who need to hear it too…
I wish I could go back in time and hand this letter to myself right after hearing the news.
Hey little girl…
Lets get this out of the way first. It’s not your fault.
Now chin up. And let me tell you a few things.
I know you are hurting. I know this is the absolute worst day of your life. I know that for the first time in your life, you truly understand what it means to have a broken heart… because I know right now you can feel yours breaking.
But also know this. You will wake up tomorrow and every day after that… and it will get a little easier. This doesn’t mean that you will ever forget Daddy, it just means that your will remember how to breathe, and more importantly… you will remember how to live.
Know that you will laugh again in a few days and know that it is not a betrayal of Daddy to do so. He was a funny guy… he would want you to laugh.
Know that even though he is gone, you will always carry parts of him with you and that when you need him most, you will feel him there.
Know that you are strong and smart and amazing. Know that you will do things with your life (I’m not going to tell you what–you’ll see) that will make Daddy so proud.
In three days you will sing “Eagle’s Wings” at Daddy’s funeral in front of all of our family… that was always the song you loved singing with Daddy in church. On the last note your voice will fail you and the cantor will finish for you. Afterward, you will sit down in the pew and you will swear to yourself that you will never sing for an audience again… because you wanted the last time to have been for Dad.
Don’t make that promise. We regret it later.
Keep singing sugar,
Because you and I? We end up just fine.
Oh and one last thing… dump Phillip. That guy is a serious douche.
Cheese served up by MagsMac
24 Responses to “An open letter to myself… At 16”
Thoreau said that "Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome." It is really important to know where we come from because we often know we can face the future because we overcame some much in the past. Good for you, mags.
By jeremiah andrick on Dec 15, 2009
What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what truely lies within us." Mag what is inside of you is special remember that
By Keith Casey on Dec 15, 2009
your dad would be so proud of your courage and poise as a beautiful young lady inside and out. that, and that you're good at math.
i love you infinitely, margaret. i've so enjoyed being a part of your life these last 5 years. you're the brightest star in my sky, and so many other universes.
By Monica Danna on Dec 15, 2009
Hey there! You are very brave! Eagle's wings is one of my favorite church songs as well. It was actually sung at my grandpa's funeral. I miss you! Take care!
By Sara DeMers on Dec 15, 2009
I don’t recall the word douche being used in that fashion back in those days. Not only were you ahead of the curve emotionally, you were gettin’ your linguistic swerve on too!
A hug and a kiss , sweet girl.
By Michael on Dec 15, 2009
Maggie, you're in my heart. Embedded. If there's one thing that came of this, we both know it's your capacity to love the way you do. I love you back that hard.
By gwenbell on Dec 15, 2009
Amen sister, amen!
And FYI- You turned out better than fine- You're awesome (and, quite frankly, always have been as far as I'm concerned).
By Nancy Chiczewski on Dec 15, 2009
Margaret (one of the 4 Margarets), thanks for the open letter. It's takes alot of courage to be so open about something so painful. Your dad was a wonderful man, and I KNOW he's okay now. You're so right, it wasn't your fault, it was no one's fault including your dad's. You're a beautiful, intelligent young woman, and your dad is proud of you. Love, Aunt Peggy (one of the 4 Margarets)
By peggyobugg on Dec 15, 2009
Maggie – wow… I am blown away by this post.! Very touched. And very proud of you and who you are still becoming. Keep on living and loving and laughing and singing – cause that's just what you're supposed to do! I know Greg is smiling…Love you sweetie! Aunt Valerie
By Valerie Swenson on Dec 16, 2009
What a beautiful way to let go of some old hurt. You made us all a little more real today. You rock!
By Shannon Paul on Dec 16, 2009
Kudos to you for writing this…I can't imagine it was easy, but hopefully this will help others that may be faced with the same challenges. Good job
By Jayme Lamm on Dec 16, 2009
You are truly amazing and incredibly strong. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment with us – it only further explains why you ROCK! You inspire me to be a better person. Hugs!!!
By Lindsat on Dec 15, 2009
It is a bit late for me but at the end of this day it was rather wonderful to read you thoughts on dear "Dada" as you used to call him.
He will be with us always and is at peace – as we need to feel peace at his death.
"Lovely Bones" reminds us of this – your dear "Dada" will not have peace in Heaven (which is where he is – with Doc – my Dad who he truly loved) if we are not at peace here.
So I celebrate your Dada – and his wonderful magic tricks – his ping pong playing ability – his putting up so many (gaudy) Christman Lights up – more especially, him particitpating in Mass on Sundays.
He was madly in love with you and Miss Ali and me.
Much love to all.
You know who
By Mommy on Dec 16, 2009
ok- truly sobbing now! you have all been on my mind all week. we so enjoyed Jeff's visit and talked at length about the fun we had with Greg and how much we still miss him. keep the faith! love you to the end of the numbers. aunt dee dee
By Dianne on Dec 16, 2009
I remember that day… I remember all the confusion. I remember it all. I am so sorry you or anyone has had to have gone through this. For years after this I was there for you, and I wish you all the best in your life. As I know you would for me. Stay strong, and I will always love you.
By Katie on Dec 16, 2009
Margaret, you have always been the one to do the unexpected, and I say that lovingly. But you have outdone yourself……what a wonderful tribute to Greg and the very insightful woman you have become. Mom, Dianne and I have talked about you and your family all week and have relived some wonderful and some very painful memories. I cry every time I hear " Eagles Wings" and can hear you singing it to this day….I have cried enough and feel like I am just rambling but I want you to know I so very proud of you I could burst. Love, Aunt Sue
By Aunt Sue on Dec 16, 2009
Dear big sister,
Didn't we have a pretty great daddy? It took a while, but I have come to appreciate how lucky we were to get the time we had with a man like him for a dad. Mom's right- he was so in love with us all; there's no other way to say it. And you're right- he always did (and always will) LOVE for us to laugh. Margaret the 2nd- aka Aunt Peggy- is right, too: it was nobody's fault.
Oh! I should mention that you're right about another thing: Philip really WAS a douche. Man, that GUY!
I love you.
Love,
AliMac
By Alice on Dec 16, 2009
I know that I have told you over and over that life is a journey and not a destination and it has become somewhat annoying…it is the true. I am so very proud of you and what you have become since the day we first met in the gym. As difficult as this may seem still to this day I know in my heart and your families that your Dad is watching down as is so proud of you as I am. This is truly a beautiful post and something that you and all that have responded will cherish, beautiful like YOU.
I love you ……your big brother Mike !!
By Mike on Dec 16, 2009
Hey Margaret, I never read blogs but you finally found me on Facebook and I was reading your info and found a link to your site. I started reading this and remember it to the day. This was the same winter that you bought me the fish for my fish tank. I can't believe it was 10 years ago. I even remember chatting with your crazy uncle in the garage when your family was in town for the funeral. It was a tough time but you have a great and supportive family. The summer after that I left for college and have not seen you since. I am so glad to see what you have become and that you are doing so well.
P.S. is that Phillip Douden you are talking about or another Phillip? If it was Mr. Abercrombie and Fitch then I agree, he was a douche! (I didn't even know y'all dated.)
I miss you Margaret, lets catch up sometime.
By Dustin on Jan 5, 2010
I, my friend, understand you completely. I am glad you shared this. Love ya!
By inkoluv on Jan 5, 2010
Hey Margaret,
Thanks for letting me into your heart and allowing me to know you better.
By Chris Stagg on Jan 7, 2010
Mags,
I love you, my new friend. Thank you so much for sharing this, and for allowing us to pass it on through Road Show. You are amazing, and I cherish the fact that I met you!
Aimee
By Aimee Woodall on Mar 30, 2010
Wow. This is so lovely, Maggie.
Hugs,
E
By Elisa Holland on Mar 30, 2010
beautiful post. and a loving tribute to your dad. he would be smiling now. From a survivor too….
shine on lovely girl.
@stampylisa on Twitter
@AFSPChicago for the chapter
By stampylisa on Mar 31, 2010